Losing Faith
by ConsyCoffee
Summary: Consy has returned to Pretoria without her loved one, how does she feel?


Time: Set Right after Faith of the Heart

Losing Faith

By Consy Coffee

Some sections Coposted with Alley Cat

Consy was sitting in her intel-office, it was set a little of, to the left of the bridge, with the lights completely turned off. It was a habit of hers, to work in the dark. It reflected her mental state.

Her hand went through her hair and then quickly passed over her face. She did that, as if to wipe the slate clean, as if hoping that the read out from the console would change. It was a faint hope, and for a fleeting instant as she reviewed the information on the display, she had faith, but it was fleeting. Then her heart sank, she still had not found what she was looking for. After so many days, she still had nothing, and was right back at the start. Consy had tried to find Chasity when on Earth, and when that had failed, she had concentrated on Starfleet's requests. When her time had not been caught up with Starfleet headquarters and their questions about Chameleon CC, she had had Janeway to distract her. But now, aboard Pretoria, there were not enough distractions and things to keep her from thinking about Chase.

Upon her return, Consy had convinced herself and the others, that she was alright, that life would pick up where it had left off. She had been partially wrong… She was not alright. She remained stoic and serious, the same as everyone knew her and continued working mostly alone, shut up in her office, as usual.

Every now and then Starfleet would send her documents that needed decoding, or questions regard information that they wanted her to collect. The usual routine, amidst her own work aboard Pretoria, yet all this was not enough to keep her mind active.

She shook her head clear, and closed the connection with section 31's main computer. They did not have the information she needed neither did Starfleet for that matter. Consy had not been surprised that Starfleet did not have a trace of Chasity. After all she was not linked to Starfleet whatsoever. She had gone to section 31 as a civilian. No one fit her description, regardless of what she looked through. Consy pulled at the locket around her neck and threw it at the door in frustration. It did not break, but on the contrary started to sing. Chasity's clear voice vibrated through the room as she sang . Consy closed her eyes, listening to the song, and cried. The words were lost on her. She no longer had faith of the heart. The song ended, but Consy's sobs continued for much longer than that.

It was the beeping of the console that broke her sobbing. Consy quickly regained her composure, wiping what remained of tears from her eyes. She raised the lights somewhat and feigned waking as she entered her security code that started the transmission.

"Consy." Kathryn's soft caring voice said.

"Kathryn, nice of you to call." Consy said, pretending to wipe sleep from her eyes.

"Sorry to wake you, working night shifts?" She asked.

"Not a problem, give me a second." Consy stepped away from screen and moved towards the replicator and ordered a coffee. She took a deep breath, hidden from the camera, replacing her nerves. "Not so much a night shift as I had too much work to do." She sat in front of the cam.

"I understand." Her gaze softened as she really took the time to gaze at her protégée, seeing the signs of lack of sleep and emotional distress that she so clearly was trying to hide behind a mug of coffee. "My contacts have not had any luck… I'm sorry."

"How is everything on Earth?" Consy asked, changing the subject completely, as she sipped her coffee, watching Kathryn do the same. It almost felt like old times, when they would discuss over the com each with coffee. They had started that tradition when Consy had been a cadet.

"Busy, numerous peace treaties are in the making. Lots of negotiations... "

"Right up your alley. Some of those documents are running through my office…" Consy answered.

"Indeed." There was silence over the com, but it was broken with the two taking sips from the coffee.

"You look tired Consy." Kathryn said after a few more sips. "Still not sleeping well?"

"Not particularly no." Consy answered.

"Anything I can do?" She said in her motherly way.

Consy sighed, "M'afraid not."

Kathryn did not insist further, "I am sending you a document that I need decoded."

"Got it." Consy said as she saw it upload. "Will decrypt it and re-encrypt with our usual code." Consy looked at the downloaded document. It didn't look like Starfleet, and usually Janeway had all the code for whatever they sent her. "Should I ask?" Consy said as she worked at bypassing the security code. The last time Kathryn had asked her to bypass a security code had lead to upheaval at the academy.

"I am not at leisure to discuss."

"Understood, almost finished. " Consy had learnt a long time ago that when people asked her to decipher a code and not read the message, that it was in her best interest not to. She had done so once, and it had nearly cost her.

"Not too hard to return to life aboard a ship?" Kathryn asked as Consy hacked her way into the message.

"No, it is good to be back." Consy said, the thought was true but the feeling somewhat a lie. "There, sending it back."

"Received, thanks. I sometimes wish I had kept you here." She said whimsically, " Would you believe that the intel specialist wasn't able to crack that, even after five days?" Kathryn said with a smile, proud of her daughter-like-protégée.

"Really? It wasn't that hard." Kathryn's door chime could be heard over the com.

"Breaking codes was never very hard for you." Her door chime rang again , "I best go, thanks sweetie. Take care of yourself Consy."

"You're welcome. You too Kathryn, don't crack your head too much on those negotiations Say hello to Indian Man for me"

Kathryn nodded and laughed.

Consy shook her head, "Bye"

The conversation ended with that. Consy stood from her console, deposited her mug in the recycler. She picked up the locket in front of the door and put it away in her desk along with a specific mug. She closed her eyes as she locked the drawer, silently convincing herself that by putting those things away her melancholy would lift. She turned off the lights and moved in direction of her quarters. She took the long way down. Thinking, and trying to make sense of everything, and her emotions. In the end, she realized that it wasn't good. What she felt was a depression, due to her loneliness and sadness brought on by her lack of sleep, and her inability to cope with everything, as usual.

She paced the halls of the ship, wondering for a long time what she should do. In the past, she now realized that she had tried various suicidal tactics when in this mode. She didn't want to die, not now, not any longer. Her pain was more profound though than those times however. Her last boughs of depression had been caused by the physical torture and rape she had undergone, mixed with the mental instability. This time it was deeper, it was her heart and her soul that cried out. Consy's intention had been to go to her quarters, but for some reason, she now stood in front of Captain Stryker's living quarters. She stopped in her footsteps. What would she tell him? She did not want to talk about what she had lived, it was still too fresh, painful and too personal. She hesitated outside the corridor a long while trying to figure out what she would say. She was about to walk away, her mind still wavering on whether or not to ring the chime, when the doors opened.

"I was wondering how long it would take before you decided to ring the chime. 5 full minutes of hesitation must mean that there's something important on your mind." Alice said, as she took Consy's hand and pulled her into the family living quarters.

Consy was a surprised, how did Alice know she had been standing out in the hall for 5 minutes and that she had been about to leave without addressing Stryker? Consy was not used to interacting with Alice. It had always been solely professional and for business. Maybe it was time to deepen that relationship Consy thought. She removed her hand from Alice's, now that she had been dragged inside the living quarters. Consy was saved from answering as Ael and Olivia pounced on her happily. Consy was buried underneath the girls.

After 45 seconds, Stryker picked Ael and Olivia up, "If you two can

sit still for 5 minutes, I will give you balloons"

The twins squealed and accepted Stryker's bribe, sitting on the smaller sofa.

Consy noticed a security screen showing video from the hallway outside the doors, "You weren't suppose to see that" Alice told Consy, "Some secret Starfleet directive"

Consy nodded, the screen explained a lot, and she almost wished it had remained a mystery. Mystery... There was nothing like trying to unveil the truth about something. Something funny in the way imagination thrived and trilled on making up explanations. Yet somehow finding out the truth was always a disappointment, a bitter one at most. Just like finding her true identity. What else had it served other than to disappoint and satisfy her curiosity? What of the the mystery of Chase? Now there was something that was complicated. Locating her would be very satisfying… important. Her continued failed attempts were now affecting her moral. Her heart was already crying out, her soul was in need. Her body had tasted of sweet and now longed and felt a need for it. She was gone, and for what? What was she supposed to learn from this? What was she supposed to do? She was confused. Oh the Mystery… why was everything about herself shrouded in continual mystery. She was thoughtful, thinking. Why exactly had her feet guided her here, to Alice and Stryker?

She shook her head clear. "Secrets are necessary." Consy finally answered to no one in particular. But from the look on Alice and Stryker's face her comment had been too long in the coming, and it seemed to spook them.

Outside the Frame

Preformed by Paul Brandt

The shadows move slowly  
They climb up the walls  
Till the light hits the metal and glass  
It shines through the dust  
Revealing the love  
In an old black and white photograph  
That was before  
But it's not anymore

'Cause outside the frame  
You're getting on with your life  
I wonder if I ever will  
'Cause inside my heart  
I picture us frozen in time  
Just you and I standing still  
Now everything's changed  
Outside the frame

The look in your eyes  
Your hand in mine  
And we're both holding on to a dream  
I'm still trapped in that moment  
Where the sun always shines  
And I don't ever want to be free  
No, I want to stay  
As the light fades away

'Cause outside the frame  
You're getting on with your life  
I wonder if I ever will  
'Cause inside my heart  
I picture us frozen in time  
Just you and I standing still  
Now everything's changed  
Outside the frame

Outside the frame  
Where you're getting on with your life  
And I know that I never will  
'Cause inside my heart  
I picture us frozen in time  
Just you and I standing still  
Now everything's changed  
Outside the frame

I keep waiting for something to change  
But the picture inside stays the same  
And the fact of the matter remains


End file.
